“Without enough water, the fuel rods get so hot that they melt. If they begin to melt the nuclear reactor core and the steel containment vessel, and release radiation into the environment, nuclear meltdown occurs.” (Phys.org)
So every four or five years I have a total identity crisis. This happened last week in the form of an emotional meltdown that took my by surprise. The stress and depression was too much to bear and I got to a very dark place inside.
I get the feeling I’m not who I’m supposed to be, not who I was meant to be and I’m definitely not who I intended to be…
For as long as I can remember (since like 2nd grade) I wanted to be an English teacher. I love poetry, prose, mystery, horror, essay, romance, fantasy, grammar, technical poetry, classics, biography, song lyrics, articles, letters, speeches…
And if not a teacher then maybe a writer or journalist, writing fiction or news.
And if not any of that then maybe an editor, helping others to tell their stories well.
What do I have to show for the last 22 years? The things I made in my early days as a home decor seamstress are falling to tatters by now I imagine. Either that or they’ve been replaced by new things in more current trends of style and color. I just don’t care about that stuff anymore.
And of course I’ve got no one to blame but myself. The choices I made. I could have finished high school. I could have stayed at home. I could have given my baby away. I could have stayed in college, for as long as it took, even part time. I wanted it, but not bad enough apparently.
Professionally, I don’t want to be where I am now. I feel trapped and powerless. But of course we’ve got both proverbial and literal bills to pay and mouths to feed.
With this blog I’ve cracked the shell and started writing again, but right now it feels aimless. I feel like it’s what God has called me to do, but week after week I see so few people interested or impacted by it. I feel like I’m firing arrows in the dark and constantly missing the mark.
There’s a line from a Supertones song that describes this feeling perfectly… “Who I am is in between what I want to be and what I am.”
I want to be strong but I am weak. I want to be influential for the Gospel but I feel like a squeaking mouse. I’m trying so hard to encourage other people with the things I need encouragement in, but at the end of the day I’m exhausted, just like you.
I don’t know if I should put my blog on hold so I can focus on the devotional I want to write or try to fight through and do both. I love the daily prayer journal I get to write but I want to do more, devote more time, make it even more specific and encouraging. My brain feels fried. My heart aches. Meltdown.
I suppose just because I have a gifting and a passion doesn’t necessarily mean it’s my calling. Maybe that’s my biggest fear.
I can’t imagine another 5 or 10 years of things continuing the way they are. Something’s gotta give. Something’s gonna break. I have a sinking suspicion it will be me. I already feel the first cracks.
I am grateful for the jobs I have, professional seamstress, as well as sales associate at a retail fabric store. I love my husband and children, they are the bright spots. They are my safe haven.
I’m sure this is all a case of “the grass is greener.” As I listen wistfully to friends of mine that are teachers I hear their struggles too. They strive daily to make a difference in kids lives. Sometimes they succeed but I hear the despair that underlies their own daily grind.
I listen to podcasts by bloggers and authors that seem to be living the life I want, and I hear that it takes hard work and dedication. I’m not afraid of hard work and dedication. But I’m afraid at the end of the day that no one will be listening. I’ll turn out be the tree, falling in the forest, making a bunch of noise but with no one around to hear.
I know God has me where I am for a reason. I know it takes time to build something new. I know I am sowing seeds for the future. I don’t know exactly what that future is at this point. I know I need to be patient and keep walking this valley. I know it won’t keep on like this forever. Things will change. Eventually…
I’m praying for patience, perseverance, faithfulness, and open eyes. The enemy wants to trap me in fear that leads to inaction. I won’t let him. The enemy wants me to hide in shame. I don’t have time for that kind of self consciousness, there’s work to do. Kingdom work.
My meltdown was last Thursday and I wrote the bulk of this then with no intention to publish it. Mostly I was just pouring my heart out to God and trying to coax the fears into the light where I could get a good look at their ugly mugs.
Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’ve already got my “big girl” pants on. I didn’t post all this to make you feel sorry for me. I just want to be authentic and truthful, we all have bad days.
Last Thursday was wretched, but by God’s providence I came home to my husband, who loves me and cares when my heart is hurting. And that night we went to our church community group, a safe place, where my friends encouraged and prayed for me. As we are studying Joy it’s of course the thing we are all being tested in right now.
As I prayed this week in the fallout from that meltdown I was asking, “Daddy, what do you want me to do?” And God, being ever loving and always faithful, responded to me with such tenderness. I read my Bible like normal, I listened to a few sermon podcasts, and God’s clear word to me was, “Don’t give up. Don’t despair. I am with you. I’m going to give you everything you need. Don’t stop praying. Don’t stop asking. Don’t let anything dilute the things I have put in your heart.”
Thanks for reading my little rant. I would really love to hear from you. Do you feel like you’ve found your calling?
claudia vess
May 27, 2016 at 7:39 amMichelle: First, let me say, the future comes one day at a time. I know you know that God is sovereign, and you pretty much say that at the end of your “rant.” Reminds me of some of the Psalms, you know? I believe you are right where God wants you right now. You can be a teacher in many ways. Look at how you are with your children (the most important teaching job one can ever have), and with your blog.
I am so glad you have a strong community of believers around you at your church. That is so important. And, you have your family that loves you.
As for changing things, God will provide a way, and it is scary some times. I have done it. I raised Lisa, worked full time, and finished up my education. I was scared to death, entering post-grad school at USD, but stepped out in faith (against some of my friends’ wishes–because they thought it was too much for me). Guess what? I graduated with honors. Never would have thought I could. And, don’t think age has anything to do with it. One of Ron’s students at the college was in his late fifties when he started. He went on to get his teaching credential and is teaching (in his 60’s). He just loves it. He is a stalwart Christian, and he loves kids. He works very hard to instill ethics and accountability in those kids he teaches.
Well, maybe I said too much, but I wanted you to know you are loved, and all things are possible. Hugs to you, my dear.
Chelle
May 27, 2016 at 10:30 amThank you so much for all the love and encouragement! I know God’s got it all under control. And he ALWAYS answers me when I cry out to him… Even if sometimes the answer is just to wait and keep on obeying.
Donna Anderson
May 28, 2016 at 6:06 amHi Michelle, your words have touched me, brought tears to my eyes. I have found myself in that place you are describing a couple times. In my opinion, it is the journey of life here on earth. It’s the place where growth comes from and change has an opportunity to sprout. You know ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a hairstylist. At the age of 35 I thought, “I don’t want to be lying on my death bed wondering why I never did that.” So I made a decision to do it, figure out a way. I lived in Hemet, was working in Rancho Bernardo full time and then found a school close to work to go to from 5pm to 10pm everyday. This in edition to my hour and a half drive to and from work everyday. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. People told me I couldn’t do it, I did it anyway. I am a better person today because of it. Although I don’t do hair anymore my soul is happy. I am happy. I am happy that I did that for myself. I became more myself for having done it. I am at a similar place in my life now but my perception has changed. Now I think, ok what am I going to do next? What is my next adventure going to be and how can I grow from that. This can be a very exciting time for you. Set your intention and let God handle the details. Things will start changing and you will start moving in the direction you intended. Well I hope what I have shared helps in some small way. I am here if you ever want to talk. I can’t wait to hear about your next adventure. Big hugs, I love you cousin.
Donna
Smallchelle
June 3, 2016 at 7:55 amThanks for sharing that story with me Donna! I’m on my next adventure now… I know this, but I just had a bad week. I get up every morning and write for an hour because I love writing. And God is definitely in the details. The more I surrender to him the more I find the path he has for me instead of fighting for what I think I want. I know he know’s what’s best for me and can’t wait to see where he takes all this. Love you bunches cousin!