Light

I often wonder why we use physical terms to describe feelings and emotions. I was thinking about light and dark a lot this week, in both physical and metaphysical expression. What is light? Is it the absence of darkness? What is darkness? Is it merely the absence of light? Is it proper to define a thing by the absence of its opposite? Is it possible to be light-hearted and dark-hearted at the same time? Is there some sort of shadow-heart in between?

What is the real relationship between darkness and light in the life of the believer? God often uses physical things to model and explain spiritual truths. Here are a few verses to meditate on today as you think about “light” and “darkness.” Where does the light come from? How does the light overcome the darkness? How do I live in the light?

In the Beginning

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness.God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day. Genesis 1:3-5

God created all things. Best of all, He created us and lets us enjoy his creation. Without light, the light of the sun specifically, there would be no life. If the earth was just a little closer to to the sun we would scorch the earth with unbearable heat and just a little farther away the earth would be a frozen wasteland. It is astronomically improbable for there to be life on the earth, and yet here we are.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:1-5

John is speaking here of Jesus as the light. Darkness is in fact the partial or total absence of light, while light is itself a thing, measured as waves or particles. That is why the darkness cannot overcome light. The fact that we have visible light and a means to see it, gives us incredible insight into why Jesus called himself “the light of the world” and later called his disciple “the light of the world.”

In the Middle

The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. John 1:9-13

“And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.” John 3:18-20

Light represents good and darkness represents wickedness and evil. Thieves wear black and work in the dark to hide their evil deeds. Angels wear white, brides wear white representing purity. Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 11:14 that even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. This is why as Christians we must understand and discern the difference between darkness and light.

In the End

And I saw no temple in the city, for its temple is the Lord God the Almighty and the Lamb. And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb. By its light will the nations walk, and the kings of the earth will bring their glory into it, and its gates will never be shut by day—and there will be no night there. They will bring into it the glory and the honor of the nations. But nothing unclean will ever enter it, nor anyone who does what is detestable or false, but only those who are written in the Lamb’s book of life. Revelation 21:22-27

No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever. Revelation 22:3-5

We currently have the Sun as our main source of visible light, but we only see it half the time. The rest is this thing called night. Again, the absence of light. What a great future we have to look forward to. The Lord God will be our light, no shadow anywhere. Pure goodness and glory at every moment. Never again having the fear of what hides in the dark or the darkness within ourselves.

See the Light

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” Having said these things, he spit on the ground and made mud with the saliva. Then he anointed the man’s eyes with the mud and said to him,“Go, wash in the pool of Siloam” (which means Sent). So he went and washed and came back seeing. John 9:1-7

After being questioned twice by the Pharisees the formerly blind man answered them,

“Whether he is a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see…” John 9:25

The enraged Pharisees kicked the formerly blind man out of the Synagogue. Jesus went and found him and he believed in Jesus. Then Jesus lays down some truth.

Jesus said, “For judgment I came into this world, that those who do not see may see, and those who see may become blind.” Some of the Pharisees near him heard these things, and said to him, “Are we also blind?” Jesus said to them, “If you were blind, you would have no guilt; but now that you say, ‘We see,’ your guilt remains.” John 9:30-41

One miracle that Jesus delighted to do over and over again is give sight to the blind. On the flip side of that, he was constantly calling the Pharisees “blind” because they refused to believe that he came from God. The Apostle Paul tells us where this blindness comes from:

And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:3-6

Walk In the Light

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 1 John 1:5-7

We are fooling ourselves, just like the Pharisees, if we say we love God and then run into darkness and sin. We cannot excuse our evil, but must repent in the light in order for the blood of Jesus to cleanse us. We cannot be cleansed if we will not admit we are sinners in need of a Savior.

Be the Light

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16

Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. Ephesians 5:6-11

For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. 1 Thessalonians 5:5

Remember that Sunday school song from when we were kids…

 “This little light of mine…
I’m gonna let it shine…”

How do we do that practically? Day to day we must see the light and walk in the light in order to be the light. I know this side of heaven we’ll never be able to do that perfectly, but with the help of the Holy Spirit we can draw closer to Jesus every day. I so desperately want this in my life. Paul just told us that “The fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true.” As the sun rises every day remember who you are, a child of the light, ask God for opportunities to shine your light so others can see Jesus.

Thanks for reading. I would love to hear from you so feel free to email me or leave a comment. What do you think about “the light?”



Meltdown

“Without enough water, the fuel rods get so hot that they melt. If they begin to melt the nuclear reactor core and the steel containment vessel, and release radiation into the environment, nuclear meltdown occurs.” (Phys.org)

So every four or five years I have a total identity crisis. This happened last week in the form of an emotional meltdown that took my by surprise. The stress and depression was too much to bear and I got to a very dark place inside.

I get the feeling I’m not who I’m supposed to be, not who I was meant to be and I’m definitely not who I intended to be…

For as long as I can remember (since like 2nd grade) I wanted to be an English teacher. I love poetry, prose, mystery, horror, essay, romance, fantasy, grammar, technical poetry, classics, biography, song lyrics, articles, letters, speeches…

And if not a teacher then maybe a writer or journalist, writing fiction or news.

And if not any of that then maybe an editor, helping others to tell their stories well.

What do I have to show for the last 22 years? The things I made in my early days as a home decor seamstress are falling to tatters by now I imagine. Either that or they’ve been replaced by new things in more current trends of style and color. I just don’t care about that stuff anymore.

And of course I’ve got no one to blame but myself. The choices I made. I could have finished high school. I could have stayed at home. I could have given my baby away. I could have stayed in college, for as long as it took, even part time. I wanted it, but not bad enough apparently.

Professionally, I don’t want to be where I am now. I feel trapped and powerless. But of course we’ve got both proverbial and literal bills to pay and mouths to feed.

With this blog I’ve cracked the shell and started writing again, but right now it feels aimless. I feel like it’s what God has called me to do, but week after week I see so few people interested or impacted by it. I feel like I’m firing arrows in the dark and constantly missing the mark.

There’s a line from a Supertones song that describes this feeling perfectly… “Who I am is in between what I want to be and what I am.”

I want to be strong but I am weak. I want to be influential for the Gospel but I feel like a squeaking mouse. I’m trying so hard to encourage other people with the things I need encouragement in, but at the end of the day I’m exhausted, just like you.

I don’t know if I should put my blog on hold so I can focus on the devotional I want to write or try to fight through and do both. I love the daily prayer journal I get to write but I want to do more, devote more time, make it even more specific and encouraging. My brain feels fried. My heart aches. Meltdown.

I suppose just because I have a gifting and a passion doesn’t necessarily mean it’s my calling. Maybe that’s my biggest fear.

I can’t imagine another 5 or 10 years of things continuing the way they are. Something’s gotta give. Something’s gonna break. I have a sinking suspicion it will be me. I already feel the first cracks.

I am grateful for the jobs I have, professional seamstress, as well as sales associate at a retail fabric store. I love my husband and children, they are the bright spots. They are my safe haven.

I’m sure this is all a case of “the grass is greener.” As I listen wistfully to friends of mine that are teachers I hear their struggles too. They strive daily to make a difference in kids lives. Sometimes they succeed but I hear the despair that underlies their own daily grind.

I listen to podcasts by bloggers and authors that seem to be living the life I want, and I hear that it takes hard work and dedication. I’m not afraid of hard work and dedication. But I’m afraid at the end of the day that no one will be listening. I’ll turn out be the tree, falling in the forest, making a bunch of noise but with no one around to hear.

I know God has me where I am for a reason. I know it takes time to build something new. I know I am sowing seeds for the future. I don’t know exactly what that future is at this point. I know I need to be patient and keep walking this valley. I know it won’t keep on like this forever. Things will change. Eventually…

I’m praying for patience, perseverance, faithfulness, and open eyes. The enemy wants to trap me in fear that leads to inaction. I won’t let him. The enemy wants me to hide in shame. I don’t have time for that kind of self consciousness, there’s work to do. Kingdom work.

My meltdown was last Thursday and I wrote the bulk of this then with no intention to publish it. Mostly I was just pouring my heart out to God and trying to coax the fears into the light where I could get a good look at their ugly mugs.

Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’ve already got my “big girl” pants on. I didn’t post all this to make you feel sorry for me. I just want to be authentic and truthful, we all have bad days.

Last Thursday was wretched, but by God’s providence I came home to my husband, who loves me and cares when my heart is hurting. And that night we went to our church community group, a safe place, where my friends encouraged and prayed for me. As we are studying Joy it’s of course the thing we are all being tested in right now.

As I prayed this week in the fallout from that meltdown I was asking, “Daddy, what do you want me to do?”  And God, being ever loving and always faithful, responded to me with such tenderness. I read my Bible like normal, I listened to a few sermon podcasts, and God’s clear word to me was, “Don’t give up. Don’t despair. I am with you. I’m going to give you everything you need. Don’t stop praying. Don’t stop asking. Don’t let anything dilute the things I have put in your heart.”

Thanks for reading my little rant. I would really love to hear from you. Do you feel like you’ve found your calling?



John 5 Part 1- House of Mercy

Bethesda means “House of Mercy.” What do we need more than mercy when we are thoroughly wrapped up in our own self pity?

Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. John 5:2-5

I haven’t done anything for 38 years. Maybe breathing since I’m just barely that old. But I have had significant times of both physical and spiritual lameness in my life. I’ve spent much of the past three years in a state of daily physical pain due to a hip injury. I’ve also spent much of the past few years paralyzed by fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of responsibility, fear of being wrong, fear of messing it all up. All these fears have been for me a spiritual bondage leading to inaction.

This is the account of a significant healing miracle that Jesus did in the life of one man. This passage says there was a “multitude of invalids.” Do you ever feel like just one of the crowd? Do you ever wonder what difference can one person make? What difference can I make? How can I help anyone when I can’t even help myself?

It’s very easy to talk yourself out of something that you know in your heart of hearts that God has called you to do. It’s easy to convince yourself that you are crazy and tell yourself God couldn’t possibly have picked you because you are so desperately unqualified. I fight these thoughts daily.

We are all so broken. There is a point we come to where enough is enough. Sometimes we don’t realize it, but Jesus is right around the corner. We don’t have any discernible faith, just a pocket full of lame excuses. But Jesus comes and finds us. For that man at the pool, this was his day.

When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” John 5:6

What compassion! Where are you hurting right now? Physically? Relationally? Emotionally? How long has it been? Jesus already knows.

Do you want to be healed? Do I want to be healed? Is our answer something like this?

The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” John 5:7

Do we say, “Yes, but…”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
“I’m not smart enough.”
“I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”
“Getting in the water is my answer but I can’t get there.”
“Getting to church and community group is the answer, but I can’t get there.”
“Getting in the word and prayer is the answer but I don’t have time.”
“I’ve sinned too much for too long.”
“My past is too dark. I’m ashamed.”
or like the childhood classic my dad used to sing me when I was in the midst of a self-pity party…
“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m goin’ out and eat worms…”

The absolutely radical thing about Jesus and His healing power is that it has nothing to do with us. Let me say that again. It has nothing to do with us. It is His mercy. Sometimes His mercy looks like His sufficient grace and mighty strength made perfect in our weakness. Sometimes it looks like radical, miraculous healing.

Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked. Now that day was the Sabbath. John 5:8-9

Jesus healed so many people so many different ways, but the goal is the same. Action.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

These last few months for me this looks like being healed of fear, getting up every morning, taking up my keyboard, and writing. This looks like finally letting go of all the excuses why I can’t or won’t or shouldn’t write. It looks like doing my physical therapy, getting to the gym and getting back to a place of physical fitness despite the hip pain. (Ironically, the more I go the less it hurts because then the joint doesn’t get stiff.) It’s seeing His mercy in my every-day life. It’s seeing Jesus looking at me and loving me, even when I’m the most broken and the least lovely. It looks like me sitting at His feet every day and letting Him wash me with the word.

How has Jesus touched you, healed you, been fixing your brokenness? Where in your life do you need healing now? What excuses have you been making? He’s right around the corner. He sees you. He loves you. He has new mercy for you today. So… Get up… take up your bed… and walk.

As always, thanks for reading. I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on this post and share it with someone you know who need this encouragement today. Join me again next week when we’ll look at what the Pharisees had to say about this healing which took place on the Sabbath.



Psalm 107 Part 3 – Captivity & the Shadow of Death

We continue with part 3 of our look at Psalm 107, The Captives. This is the hardest part of my testimony to share, it’s me at my worst, it’s the lies I believed and the sin I let myself have, but because of God’s work in my life through these things it gets Him the most Glory. Sometimes we think we are isolated in our struggles, but if you have struggled through any of these things please know that there is hope. The sins that we think disqualify us to be Christians are the very sins that Christ died for, covered with his own blood and then rose from the dead to set us captives free!

Psalm 107:10-16

Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in affliction and in irons, for they had rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High. So he bowed their hearts down with hard labor; they fell down, with none to help. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart. Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron.

To quote one of my favorite pastors, James MacDonald, “When God says don’t, He means don’t hurt yourself.” Who are these prisoners? Captives of consequence. Bound in chains to the circumstances brought on because they “rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High.” God never sent a consequence to his people that he did not first warn them about. Have you ever ignored good advice? Have you ever made up in your own mind that your way is the best way regardless of what anyone says? Have you ever let yourself be led off into sin because it was easier, more fun or more pleasurable than doing what is right? I have!

For example, when we were youngsters and our parents taught us not to touch a hot stove. The conversation in our mind might go something like this…

‘Mom says I will burn my hand but what does that actually mean? A burn can’t possibly be what she says it is. In fact I want to touch the stove because I think it will be good for me and she wouldn’t want to keep something good away from me. I think when mom says don’t touch the stove she’s trying to have all the fun herself. I just want to be like mom. She touches the stove every day and it doesn’t hurt her. If I just touch the stove my parents will see how good it is for me. They are wrong and I am right and now I must show them that… Waaaaaaaaaa! What is this PAIN???!!! It’s the end of the world! I’m going to die! I wish I had obeyed! I never would have felt this PAIN! Why didn’t they MAKE me obey? It’s their fault I’m in this pain. Life will never be the same again. Waaaaaaa!’

And here comes mom with the burn cream. Crying, heartbroken. Her precious little one is in PAIN. They did their best to keep the little one on the right path but some children must “learn the hard way.” Even though the child hurt themselves in disobedience the parents come to the child’s rescue, doing everything possible to aid in the healing and restoration of that child. In time the wound will heal but that burn will leave a scar. A reminder of a lesson in obedience, mercy and love.

God is no different. Many people think God is angry in the Old Testament and forgiving in the new, but the Bible reveals to us that He was a loving and merciful Father from before the foundation of the world. And in His love He warns us… In proverbs 14:12 and 16:25 “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” It was that way from the beginning.

Consider Genesis 3:1-13

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Temptation. Deception. A liar from the beginning. Satan using Gods word in a twisted way to convince us that we can meet a spiritual need in a physical way. This indeed leads to death. And when sin doesn’t lead to the “freedom” we want we blame anyone and anything but ourselves.

 

My Captivity

Shortly after I gave my heart to Jesus I fell into sexual sin with the boy who had invited me to that concert I got saved at. (I share that in my previous post.) When I asked him, “Doesn’t God say this kind of stuff is wrong?” His answer was that we were in love and God would want us to feel good together. My raging hormones didn’t put up much of a fight. But after a couple of months I felt awful. Then I found out from another mutual friend that he had bragged about being with me. At that point in my very short Christian walk I didn’t know much about repentance but I knew I needed to end the relationship and get away from him. I asked my mom in January if she could start taking me to a local Calvary Chapel.

I was wary of high school boys so instead of going to youth group I sat in church with all the “grown ups.” I loved it! There was fun worship music and good bible teaching. My mom and my brother got saved right away. Over time my dad saw such a difference in our lives he eventually got saved too. He did continue to struggle with alcoholism for 10 more years, but finally surrendered to God. My parents story is a crazy amazing example of the grace and mercy of God. Click here to read their testimony, how my mom stayed with him, prayed for him, and now he’s been sober for 10 years and has served in Drug and Alcohol ministry and men’s ministry, helping others find freedom and God’s grace for daily living. It still blows me away.

In the meantime I met a friend who was into drugs. It started as innocent fun and I tried a bunch of different stuff with her, but to make a long story short my drug of choice was meth. I had God and church but no real close Christian friends so I just let myself be led away… I began living a double life. I was using drugs and smoking cigarettes, constantly angry at my dad for all the drinking and turmoil at home. But I still maintained the good church girl image… For a while.

I met another boy, a Christian boy. He confronted me about the drugs, said he came from a similar background, and he helped me get clean. Then we got involved sexually too. I would wrestle with God in prayer. Why can’t I just be good? Why do I keep messing up and giving in?

In Romans 7:15 Paul aptly describes this struggle,

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

I can’t exactly recall how but for some reason we thought it would be fun to have an 8ball for my birthday that year. (1/8 of an ounce or 3.5 grams of speed.) We decided we would use together just that one time and never again. And you can already tell where this is going.

It was my junior year of HS. I was 16 now. My boyfriend was a senior, 18. My parents didn’t like him but we were in love and it was serious. We fell into this terrible double life together. We would repent and be good for a while then we would slip, into drugs or bed or both. I was using meth as a weight loss aid, along with an eating disorder. I had terrible self image and struggled with my weight since I was about 12. On meth I didn’t eat. When the meth ran out I would eat and purge. After months of that the girl in the mirror looked skinny but I still felt fat And generally worthless. It was a slow suicide, but it was mine. I believed that my sin wasn’t hurting anyone else… Until I found out in February of 1994 that I was pregnant.

We got clean. I stopped throwing up. I started eating and sleeping again. I believe 100% that God in his providence used that pregnancy to save my life. If it weren’t for my daughter I would be dead.

One of the worst days of my life was the day I told my parents I was pregnant. My mom literally didn’t speak to me for three weeks. The next worst was when we told our pastor. My boyfriend had asked me to marry him. It was such an emotional roller coaster. My plans for college and my ideal future crumbled before my eyes. But the thought of being married and being a family made me feel so happy. We started going to the pre-marriage class through our church. My boyfriend was going to graduate and get a good job and save up some money so we could have a little wedding and get our own place. I couldn’t wait to get away from my parents.

You know the sound Velcro makes when you separate it? Little by little my boyfriend started pulling away. When our daughter was about 3 months old he tried to break up with me. I didn’t let him. I didn’t understand at the time but I was so co-dependent. I freaked out and kept showing up with our baby. I really wouldn’t take no for an answer. He stayed with me but we ended up getting back into the wrong crowd and using and partying again. We were horrible together but I was so afraid to lose him. I was still captive. I was still trying to make physical things fix my spiritual needs.

Shortly after our daughters first birthday I left him. He had made life miserable. He became so distant and apathetic. He had moved in with one of his friends that hated me. I never felt welcome there. He would go out and party but by then I was working full time and still living at home. I sought solace in the word of God and found myself falling more and more in love with Jesus and realizing how much fear of responsibility my boyfriend had. I knew that we just were not going to end up together.

I was ok for a while. I knew God had something better for me. But over the next three years I had several relationships. All them involved sexual or drug sin in one way or another. I was still in darkness and rebellion, in chains. Captive. Still trying to fill my emptiness with things that could not truly satisfy. I questioned if I was even saved.

In January of ’98 I finally surrendered. I was so broken and empty. I felt God calling to me, like He did to Adam and Eve in the garden, “Where are you?” I finally stopped hiding from God. Laid my heart bare before Him. I gave up on trying to make myself free and let God break those chains. I cried out to God, begging for His will in my life because I was making such a radical mess of everything myself. It got better. Little by little. I became free. The freedom was not in having the sin I wanted, but in finally letting it go.

I sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, a prisoner in affliction and in irons, for I had rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High. So he bowed my heart down with hard labor; I fell down, with none to help. Then I cried to the LORD in my trouble, and he delivered me from distress. He brought me out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst my bonds apart. I thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron.

Galatians 5:16-25 makes an important contrast.

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.

My walk with Jesus has been a slow trek. There is no way to rush Christian maturity and there is never an end to our sanctification process in this life. But God, in His great love and mercy, adopts us as His children and then teaches us, patiently, how to crawl, then stand, then walk, then fight, then fly. This is the definition of Sanctification. As we strive to keep in step with the Spirit we often stumble in the process but He never kicks us when we’re down. He uses us to help each other. We are blind to our own failings, we need each other. We need to let ourselves be humbled so that we can see how much He truly loves us and let Him bring the freedom we so desperately desire.

Next up in Psalm 107, The Prisoners and the next part of my testimony. How God redeemed the worst of me.

Thanks for reading.