We continue with part 3 of our look at Psalm 107, The Captives. This is the hardest part of my testimony to share, it’s me at my worst, it’s the lies I believed and the sin I let myself have, but because of God’s work in my life through these things it gets Him the most Glory. Sometimes we think we are isolated in our struggles, but if you have struggled through any of these things please know that there is hope. The sins that we think disqualify us to be Christians are the very sins that Christ died for, covered with his own blood and then rose from the dead to set us captives free!
Psalm 107:10-16
Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in affliction and in irons, for they had rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High. So he bowed their hearts down with hard labor; they fell down, with none to help. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart. Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron.
To quote one of my favorite pastors, James MacDonald, “When God says don’t, He means don’t hurt yourself.” Who are these prisoners? Captives of consequence. Bound in chains to the circumstances brought on because they “rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High.” God never sent a consequence to his people that he did not first warn them about. Have you ever ignored good advice? Have you ever made up in your own mind that your way is the best way regardless of what anyone says? Have you ever let yourself be led off into sin because it was easier, more fun or more pleasurable than doing what is right? I have!
For example, when we were youngsters and our parents taught us not to touch a hot stove. The conversation in our mind might go something like this…
‘Mom says I will burn my hand but what does that actually mean? A burn can’t possibly be what she says it is. In fact I want to touch the stove because I think it will be good for me and she wouldn’t want to keep something good away from me. I think when mom says don’t touch the stove she’s trying to have all the fun herself. I just want to be like mom. She touches the stove every day and it doesn’t hurt her. If I just touch the stove my parents will see how good it is for me. They are wrong and I am right and now I must show them that… Waaaaaaaaaa! What is this PAIN???!!! It’s the end of the world! I’m going to die! I wish I had obeyed! I never would have felt this PAIN! Why didn’t they MAKE me obey? It’s their fault I’m in this pain. Life will never be the same again. Waaaaaaa!’
And here comes mom with the burn cream. Crying, heartbroken. Her precious little one is in PAIN. They did their best to keep the little one on the right path but some children must “learn the hard way.” Even though the child hurt themselves in disobedience the parents come to the child’s rescue, doing everything possible to aid in the healing and restoration of that child. In time the wound will heal but that burn will leave a scar. A reminder of a lesson in obedience, mercy and love.
God is no different. Many people think God is angry in the Old Testament and forgiving in the new, but the Bible reveals to us that He was a loving and merciful Father from before the foundation of the world. And in His love He warns us… In proverbs 14:12 and 16:25 “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” It was that way from the beginning.
Consider Genesis 3:1-13
Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
Temptation. Deception. A liar from the beginning. Satan using Gods word in a twisted way to convince us that we can meet a spiritual need in a physical way. This indeed leads to death. And when sin doesn’t lead to the “freedom” we want we blame anyone and anything but ourselves.
My Captivity
Shortly after I gave my heart to Jesus I fell into sexual sin with the boy who had invited me to that concert I got saved at. (I share that in my previous post.) When I asked him, “Doesn’t God say this kind of stuff is wrong?” His answer was that we were in love and God would want us to feel good together. My raging hormones didn’t put up much of a fight. But after a couple of months I felt awful. Then I found out from another mutual friend that he had bragged about being with me. At that point in my very short Christian walk I didn’t know much about repentance but I knew I needed to end the relationship and get away from him. I asked my mom in January if she could start taking me to a local Calvary Chapel.
I was wary of high school boys so instead of going to youth group I sat in church with all the “grown ups.” I loved it! There was fun worship music and good bible teaching. My mom and my brother got saved right away. Over time my dad saw such a difference in our lives he eventually got saved too. He did continue to struggle with alcoholism for 10 more years, but finally surrendered to God. My parents story is a crazy amazing example of the grace and mercy of God. Click here to read their testimony, how my mom stayed with him, prayed for him, and now he’s been sober for 10 years and has served in Drug and Alcohol ministry and men’s ministry, helping others find freedom and God’s grace for daily living. It still blows me away.
In the meantime I met a friend who was into drugs. It started as innocent fun and I tried a bunch of different stuff with her, but to make a long story short my drug of choice was meth. I had God and church but no real close Christian friends so I just let myself be led away… I began living a double life. I was using drugs and smoking cigarettes, constantly angry at my dad for all the drinking and turmoil at home. But I still maintained the good church girl image… For a while.
I met another boy, a Christian boy. He confronted me about the drugs, said he came from a similar background, and he helped me get clean. Then we got involved sexually too. I would wrestle with God in prayer. Why can’t I just be good? Why do I keep messing up and giving in?
In Romans 7:15 Paul aptly describes this struggle,
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”
I can’t exactly recall how but for some reason we thought it would be fun to have an 8ball for my birthday that year. (1/8 of an ounce or 3.5 grams of speed.) We decided we would use together just that one time and never again. And you can already tell where this is going.
It was my junior year of HS. I was 16 now. My boyfriend was a senior, 18. My parents didn’t like him but we were in love and it was serious. We fell into this terrible double life together. We would repent and be good for a while then we would slip, into drugs or bed or both. I was using meth as a weight loss aid, along with an eating disorder. I had terrible self image and struggled with my weight since I was about 12. On meth I didn’t eat. When the meth ran out I would eat and purge. After months of that the girl in the mirror looked skinny but I still felt fat And generally worthless. It was a slow suicide, but it was mine. I believed that my sin wasn’t hurting anyone else… Until I found out in February of 1994 that I was pregnant.
We got clean. I stopped throwing up. I started eating and sleeping again. I believe 100% that God in his providence used that pregnancy to save my life. If it weren’t for my daughter I would be dead.
One of the worst days of my life was the day I told my parents I was pregnant. My mom literally didn’t speak to me for three weeks. The next worst was when we told our pastor. My boyfriend had asked me to marry him. It was such an emotional roller coaster. My plans for college and my ideal future crumbled before my eyes. But the thought of being married and being a family made me feel so happy. We started going to the pre-marriage class through our church. My boyfriend was going to graduate and get a good job and save up some money so we could have a little wedding and get our own place. I couldn’t wait to get away from my parents.
You know the sound Velcro makes when you separate it? Little by little my boyfriend started pulling away. When our daughter was about 3 months old he tried to break up with me. I didn’t let him. I didn’t understand at the time but I was so co-dependent. I freaked out and kept showing up with our baby. I really wouldn’t take no for an answer. He stayed with me but we ended up getting back into the wrong crowd and using and partying again. We were horrible together but I was so afraid to lose him. I was still captive. I was still trying to make physical things fix my spiritual needs.
Shortly after our daughters first birthday I left him. He had made life miserable. He became so distant and apathetic. He had moved in with one of his friends that hated me. I never felt welcome there. He would go out and party but by then I was working full time and still living at home. I sought solace in the word of God and found myself falling more and more in love with Jesus and realizing how much fear of responsibility my boyfriend had. I knew that we just were not going to end up together.
I was ok for a while. I knew God had something better for me. But over the next three years I had several relationships. All them involved sexual or drug sin in one way or another. I was still in darkness and rebellion, in chains. Captive. Still trying to fill my emptiness with things that could not truly satisfy. I questioned if I was even saved.
In January of ’98 I finally surrendered. I was so broken and empty. I felt God calling to me, like He did to Adam and Eve in the garden, “Where are you?” I finally stopped hiding from God. Laid my heart bare before Him. I gave up on trying to make myself free and let God break those chains. I cried out to God, begging for His will in my life because I was making such a radical mess of everything myself. It got better. Little by little. I became free. The freedom was not in having the sin I wanted, but in finally letting it go.
I sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, a prisoner in affliction and in irons, for I had rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High. So he bowed my heart down with hard labor; I fell down, with none to help. Then I cried to the LORD in my trouble, and he delivered me from distress. He brought me out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst my bonds apart. I thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron.
Galatians 5:16-25 makes an important contrast.
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.
My walk with Jesus has been a slow trek. There is no way to rush Christian maturity and there is never an end to our sanctification process in this life. But God, in His great love and mercy, adopts us as His children and then teaches us, patiently, how to crawl, then stand, then walk, then fight, then fly. This is the definition of Sanctification. As we strive to keep in step with the Spirit we often stumble in the process but He never kicks us when we’re down. He uses us to help each other. We are blind to our own failings, we need each other. We need to let ourselves be humbled so that we can see how much He truly loves us and let Him bring the freedom we so desperately desire.
Next up in Psalm 107, The Prisoners and the next part of my testimony. How God redeemed the worst of me.
Thanks for reading.
