Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God…”
I had a friend. She was a believer. We first met at a women’s retreat and were instant kindred spirits. She was a little bit younger than me but we had similar pasts that the Lord had delivered us from. We had both been into drugs and had children as teens out of wedlock. The Lord had rescued us both from so much. She lived in another state so she would fly out every other year just to come to retreat. We had maybe 4 or 5 retreats together. In between we would seldom talk but when we did we’d spend hours on the phone catching up on life. And at retreat it was like we’d never been apart, picking up our friendship right where we’d left off.
One year at retreat that bit of Psalm 46 was our theme. It was so powerful. God embraced us both in a very tender way that weekend.
As time went on my friend was drawn away into desperate sin that ended with her death. I can’t tell you the horror of that day. The soul crushing I experienced in the moment I found out she was gone. I felt like I was imploding, like all the air had been sucked from my lungs and I’d never breathe again. And when all the tears had been wept, and all the why’s had been asked, and all the whole world seemed upside down, God bid me to come, crawl into his lap and “be still.”
I can’t ever read Psalm 46 without thinking about my friend. I miss her dearly. I still see her mom every year at Women’s retreat. The one we were at together the year after my friend died was the hardest. She spent long hours telling me all that had happened the night her daughter died. We wept all over again. And then I spent long hours encouraging her with scripture upon scripture, lots of hugs and rivers of tears.
I believe my friend is in heaven, not because she was good, or somehow deserved it, but because God is good. I believe her faith, however tenuous, was real faith. I believe in the perseverance of the saints. I believe in eternal life. I believe God rescued my friend from a fate worse than death. I believe he saved her from herself, first in life, then in death.
The night before I found out she died, maybe even the moment of her death, I was at a Worship Night at our church. I was on my knees, crying, singing, “Light a fire down in my soul, that I can’t contain, that I can’t control, I want more of you God! I want more of you!” I remember it so vividly, and I think it was because of the emotional turmoil of the next few days. I held on desperately to that soul naked feeling that only comes from worshiping God. Knowing that it could as easily have been me and that but for the grace of God there go I.
She was in her early 30’s. She left behind a husband and three children. They grow more beautiful every day. My friends mom sends me pictures occasionally and I pray for them all often. She has been helping a lot with the kids and has that special relationship with them that only Grandparents get to have. Maybe even closer, stronger. They all lost someone so special. But God is with them. Carrying them through, giving them strength.
Someday I’ll see my friend again, in the hot tub at the giant women’s retreat in Heaven. And we’ll worship together and cry together, and then our Jesus will wipe away all our tears with his nail scarred hands. The hands that paid the price for all her sins and mine. And yours too my friend.
We really do need each other. No one was meant to grieve alone. No one is meant to suffer alone. We must fight against the enemy in the way we build Gospel relationships. He’s like a roaring lion that picks off the stragglers. The weak. The lonely. The proud who think they don’t need anyone else. I urge you desperately to get in relationship. You might not be able to know all the women at your church, but you can get to know one or two others.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Life is short and hard but also fun and a great adventure. I hope this has encouraged you. It was hard for me to write, I still miss my friend very much. I went poking through old pictures this week just to see her smiling again. I spent some quiet time with God praying for her family. And I spent some time praying about how I can be a better friend. If we are friends (and this includes family) I want to thank you for that. Let’s have lunch, or get coffee, or hang out with our kids… Let’s take the time before it eventually takes us.
