May 2016 – Smallchelle

Meltdown

Posted on May 27, 20164 Comments

“Without enough water, the fuel rods get so hot that they melt. If they begin to melt the nuclear reactor core and the steel containment vessel, and release radiation into the environment, nuclear meltdown occurs.” (Phys.org)

So every four or five years I have a total identity crisis. This happened last week in the form of an emotional meltdown that took my by surprise. The stress and depression was too much to bear and I got to a very dark place inside.

I get the feeling I’m not who I’m supposed to be, not who I was meant to be and I’m definitely not who I intended to be…

For as long as I can remember (since like 2nd grade) I wanted to be an English teacher. I love poetry, prose, mystery, horror, essay, romance, fantasy, grammar, technical poetry, classics, biography, song lyrics, articles, letters, speeches…

And if not a teacher then maybe a writer or journalist, writing fiction or news.

And if not any of that then maybe an editor, helping others to tell their stories well.

What do I have to show for the last 22 years? The things I made in my early days as a home decor seamstress are falling to tatters by now I imagine. Either that or they’ve been replaced by new things in more current trends of style and color. I just don’t care about that stuff anymore.

And of course I’ve got no one to blame but myself. The choices I made. I could have finished high school. I could have stayed at home. I could have given my baby away. I could have stayed in college, for as long as it took, even part time. I wanted it, but not bad enough apparently.

Professionally, I don’t want to be where I am now. I feel trapped and powerless. But of course we’ve got both proverbial and literal bills to pay and mouths to feed.

With this blog I’ve cracked the shell and started writing again, but right now it feels aimless. I feel like it’s what God has called me to do, but week after week I see so few people interested or impacted by it. I feel like I’m firing arrows in the dark and constantly missing the mark.

There’s a line from a Supertones song that describes this feeling perfectly… “Who I am is in between what I want to be and what I am.”

I want to be strong but I am weak. I want to be influential for the Gospel but I feel like a squeaking mouse. I’m trying so hard to encourage other people with the things I need encouragement in, but at the end of the day I’m exhausted, just like you.

I don’t know if I should put my blog on hold so I can focus on the devotional I want to write or try to fight through and do both. I love the daily prayer journal I get to write but I want to do more, devote more time, make it even more specific and encouraging. My brain feels fried. My heart aches. Meltdown.

I suppose just because I have a gifting and a passion doesn’t necessarily mean it’s my calling. Maybe that’s my biggest fear.

I can’t imagine another 5 or 10 years of things continuing the way they are. Something’s gotta give. Something’s gonna break. I have a sinking suspicion it will be me. I already feel the first cracks.

I am grateful for the jobs I have, professional seamstress, as well as sales associate at a retail fabric store. I love my husband and children, they are the bright spots. They are my safe haven.

I’m sure this is all a case of “the grass is greener.” As I listen wistfully to friends of mine that are teachers I hear their struggles too. They strive daily to make a difference in kids lives. Sometimes they succeed but I hear the despair that underlies their own daily grind.

I listen to podcasts by bloggers and authors that seem to be living the life I want, and I hear that it takes hard work and dedication. I’m not afraid of hard work and dedication. But I’m afraid at the end of the day that no one will be listening. I’ll turn out be the tree, falling in the forest, making a bunch of noise but with no one around to hear.

I know God has me where I am for a reason. I know it takes time to build something new. I know I am sowing seeds for the future. I don’t know exactly what that future is at this point. I know I need to be patient and keep walking this valley. I know it won’t keep on like this forever. Things will change. Eventually…

I’m praying for patience, perseverance, faithfulness, and open eyes. The enemy wants to trap me in fear that leads to inaction. I won’t let him. The enemy wants me to hide in shame. I don’t have time for that kind of self consciousness, there’s work to do. Kingdom work.

My meltdown was last Thursday and I wrote the bulk of this then with no intention to publish it. Mostly I was just pouring my heart out to God and trying to coax the fears into the light where I could get a good look at their ugly mugs.

Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’ve already got my “big girl” pants on. I didn’t post all this to make you feel sorry for me. I just want to be authentic and truthful, we all have bad days.

Last Thursday was wretched, but by God’s providence I came home to my husband, who loves me and cares when my heart is hurting. And that night we went to our church community group, a safe place, where my friends encouraged and prayed for me. As we are studying Joy it’s of course the thing we are all being tested in right now.

As I prayed this week in the fallout from that meltdown I was asking, “Daddy, what do you want me to do?” And God, being ever loving and always faithful, responded to me with such tenderness. I read my Bible like normal, I listened to a few sermon podcasts, and God’s clear word to me was, “Don’t give up. Don’t despair. I am with you. I’m going to give you everything you need. Don’t stop praying. Don’t stop asking. Don’t let anything dilute the things I have put in your heart.”

Thanks for reading my little rant. I would really love to hear from you. Do you feel like you’ve found your calling?

Genesis 6 – In Wells, Clouds and Rainbows

Posted on May 20, 20161 Comment

A Year in the Life

How has the last year been for you? Anything significant happen? Any certain trial, illness, injury, or maybe something to rejoice over, marriage, baby, healing, reconciliation? A lot can happen in a year. Coming up on the end of the school year always makes me feel like the year is flying by far too fast. Soon it will be Christmas…

In the past year I’ve been to 3 weddings, 4 baby showers, and 2 funerals. I’ve nursed my kids through a dozen colds, a broken foot, and attended half a dozen of their music performances… And in between all those joys and sorrows is daily life, family, work, church, all while holding on to Jesus’ hand and knowing that when the floods come he’s holding me up.

Noah was 600 years old when the flood began and spent a total of 370 days in the ark. (Gen 7:6-19) The flood itself lasted only 150 days, but the process of the waters subsiding took another 220 days.

Where Did All the Water Go?

In the six hundred and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried from off the earth. And Noah removed the covering of the ark and looked, and behold, the face of the ground was dry. In the second month, on the twenty-seventh day of the month, the earth had dried out. Gen 8:13-14

God put all that water back where it needed to be. He brought it out later, whenever he wanted to use it to show himself as the ultimate provider of life’s most necessary resource. Like when Moses brought water from the rock in the wilderness (Ex 17:6), or when He showed Hagar the well in the desert to save Ishmael. (Gen 21:19) It all came from the flood, running off into the depths and being brought forth when needed.

The 220 days it took the water to recede shows us that there is a process beyond surviving the storm. Some things are healed in an instant. Mostly it takes time to heal from the deep things. Grief takes time, wounds take time, bitterness takes time, destruction takes time.

Later, as the water makes it’s cycles in the clouds, God promises the rains as a blessing.

“But the land that you are going over to possess is a land of hills and valleys, which drinks water by the rain from heaven, a land that the Lord your God cares for. The eyes of the Lord your God are always upon it, from the beginning of the year to the end of the year.
And if you will indeed obey my commandments that I command you today, to love the Lord your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul, he will give the rain for your land in its season, the early rain and the later rain, that you may gather in your grain and your wine and your oil. And he will give grass in your fields for your livestock, and you shall eat and be full.” Deuteronomy 11:11-15

From Ark to Altar

As we face trials in our lives we often get discouraged and just wish things would go back to the way they were before. But it doesn’t work that way. We live with the fallout, consequences, and changes that come from trials and sin. Even if we’re not guilty, the sins done against us change us. We start to let go of hope and cling to bitterness.

I wonder if Noah became bitter or impatient with how long it took the earth to dry out. I wonder if he regretted obeying God. It doesn’t seem like it. What was Noah’s response at the end of the flood? One of the first things Noah did was build an altar and offer a sacrifice to God.

So Noah went out, and his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives with him. Every beast, every creeping thing, and every bird, everything that moves on the earth, went out by families from the ark.
Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and took some of every clean animal and some of every clean bird and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And when the Lord smelled the pleasing aroma, the Lord said in his heart, “I will never again curse the ground because of man, for the intention of man’s heart is evil from his youth. Neither will I ever again strike down every living creature as I have done. While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, shall not cease.”
Gen 8:18-22

When it seems like every earthly comfort is taken away, is your first response worship? For me sometimes it is, but often it is not. I want to build altars of worship, instead of trying to rebuild and hold onto the idols God is trying to break down in my life.

What are the trials in our lives for? What does God mean to accomplish? His glory. His worship. The proof of His promises. To produce patience. To move us from Christian infancy to Christian maturity (Heb 5:11-14). It’s why James could say,

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

It’s how we move from complaining to thankfulness, from anxiety to rest, from the lust of the flesh to a desire for holiness, from coveting to generosity, and from selfish distraction to humble devotion to Jesus.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

The flood radically changed the earth and left a mere 8 people and a boatload of critters standing at the end of it. It was a new beginning for Noah, his family, and creation itself with God’s beautiful covenant hung across heaven. A rainbow. A promise from God to never again flood the whole earth to destroy all flesh. (Gen 9:8-17) The funny thing about rainbows is, they require precipitation and sunlight at the same time. If our lives were perfect and storm free, start to finish, how would we ever see our need for God or the beautiful rainbows he wants to show us?

His Death Shall Bring

Posted on May 13, 2016Leave a comment

Genealogy in the Bible can be a giant stumbling block for some people. It may seem like list after boring list of confusing, difficult to pronounce, senseless names. Today I want to show you something special. Let’s go on a unique genealogical journey to the heart of the Gospel of right there in Genesis.

My research is largely based on this article by Chuck Missler that touched me so deeply about 17 years ago. More solid proof to me that God is speaking to us all the time, but sometimes we don’t know how to hear it.

Last post I jumped right into the flood, but now I’d like to backtrack a little and take you through the meanings of the names of the genealogy from Adam to Noah in Genesis 5.

God is a better Architect

According to Chuck’s research, “Methuselah comes from muth, a root that means “death”; and from shalach, which means to bring, or to send forth. The name Methuselah means, “his death shall bring”.” If we do the math of how long he lived and when he died, the flood came in the same year that Methuselah died.

I’m going to list the Hebrew names and their English meanings but I highly recommend you read Genesis 5 and then read the Chuck Missler Article for his brief explanations and research notes on each name.

Adam = Man
Seth = Appointed
Enosh = Mortal
Kenan = Sorrow
Mahalalel = The Blessed God
Jared = Shall come down
Enoch = Teaching
Methuselah = His death shall bring
Lamech = The Despairing
Noah = Rest, or comfort.

Written out it reads:

Man (is) appointed mortal sorrow; (but) the Blessed God shall come down teaching (that) His death shall bring (the) despairing rest.

So many think the flood was God’s angry judgement, but there is another side to that coin. In Missler’s article he points out that “Methuselah’s life, in effect, was a symbol of God’s mercy in forestalling the coming judgment of the flood. Therefore, it is fitting that his lifetime is the oldest in the Bible, speaking of the extensiveness of God’s mercy.”

Jesus is a better Ark

By design, every bit of the Gospel was written before time began. The death and resurrection of Jesus gives us rest from the despair of the Law, of knowing there is no way we can live up to the standard of perfection. Rest from worry and fear, and rest from our own sin, sickness, and brokenness. Colossians 2:13-15 comforts us with these words:

And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.

Searching for God and Finding Jesus

Jesus says to the religious folks who knew the torah and Noah’s genealogy word for word,

“You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life.” John 5:39-40

What are we doing here? Why do we “search the scriptures” or study the bible? Is it just to heap more information into our brains? Jesus tells us what the bible is for… to lead us to go to him so that we may have life. It’s how we spend time getting to know and love Jesus more and more. After all, the name “Jesus” means “God saves.” The Apostle Peter says,

“And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” Acts 4:12

Thanks for reading. I hope this has given you a new sense of wonder at just how amazing our God is, that even a rag-tag list of names lays out perfectly His plan of salvation! As always feel free to leave a comment or email me.

Genesis 6 Part 1 – Impending Doom

Posted on May 6, 2016Leave a comment

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor 12:10

Recently I have prayed and cried with various dear friends going through some radically difficult circumstances. They are being affected by other people’s sin in faith shaking kinds of ways. As we look at the account of Noah we’ll see just how grieved God was by all that sin in the hearts of people on the earth. Then we’ll get a picture of how God help us in times of trouble. Finally we’ll see that there is a way to suffer well so that Christ is glorified and we are strengthened.

Impending Doom

The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And the Lord regretted that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart. These are the generations of Noah.
   Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his generation. Noah walked with God. And Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
   Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight, and the earth was filled with violence. And God saw the earth, and behold, it was corrupt, for all flesh had corrupted their way on the earth. And God said to Noah, “I have determined to make an end of all flesh, for the earth is filled with violence through them. Behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make yourself an ark of gopher wood. Make rooms in the ark, and cover it inside and out with pitch.
   Genesis 6:5-14

My heart is breaking for my friends as they suffer in difficult circumstances… Can you imagine how grieved God’s heart is to see all the hurt among all the people all the time? In Noah’s day it was crazy bad! But God chose Noah and his family, to rescue them. He set them apart, called them to do His work and then hid them away while His wrath was poured out and the wickedness of mankind was judged. When we are hurting our tendency is to hide from God, but the secret to survival and strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other is to hide in God.

Help is on the Way

For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell… if he did not spare the ancient world, but preserved Noah, a herald of righteousness, with seven others, when he brought a flood upon the world of the ungodly… and if he rescued righteous Lot, greatly distressed by the sensual conduct of the wicked… then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment, and especially those who indulge in the lust of defiling passion and despise authority. 2 Peter 2:4-10 (paraphrased, emphasis mine)

Noah watched society boiling over with wickedness, for possible as many as 120 years, while he build the arc. Are you watching some part of your life fall apart right before your eyes? Are you in pain every day? Are you watching people that are supposed to love and care for each other implode with selfishness? What if it never changes? What if you die before that person ever repents and does the right thing? What if you are never healed this side of heaven?

It is such a comfort to know that God knows how to rescue us. Do you believe it? If not, why not? Maybe there is some misinformation about God you’ve been believing instead. If God has already gotten ahold of your spirit and rescued you from utter judgment don’t you think He will be with you in the storm you’re in now?

Get in the Ark

By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith. Hebrews 11:7

My hope and prayer is that by faith my friends, knowing the flood is coming, will stand firm in their faith in the Gospel, climb in the ark of God’s arms of comfort and mercy and love, and for the sake of the glory of Christ be content with hardship, because when they are weak, then they are strong.

In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on that day all the fountains of the great deep burst forth, and the windows of the heavens were opened. The flood continued forty days on the earth. The waters increased and bore up the ark, and it rose high above the earth. The waters prevailed and increased greatly on the earth, and the ark floated on the face of the waters. Gen 7:11, Gen 17-18

We might feel like God doesn’t love us when the flood comes, but that is a lie of the enemy. You were chosen in Him before the foundations of the world, He will bear you up in an ark and rescue you. You will be in the flood, but as a beloved child of the Most High God, you have nothing to fear.

Psalm 32:6-7 offers great encouragement:

Therefore let everyone who is godly
offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;
surely in the rush of great waters,
they shall not reach him.
You are a hiding place for me;
you preserve me from trouble;
you surround me with shouts of deliverance.

Jesus is the ark. And you are not alone there. Just like Noah had his family, hopefully you have a community of gospel friends that God has been building into your life… you didn’t know you would need them, but He did. If you don’t have a network of friends who will help you fight for your faith, do all you can to plug in at church, get in a small bible study or prayer group. Noah wasn’t alone, and neither are you. The fountains of the deep are bursting forth, the flood is coming… but so is rescue. Don’t hide from the Lord, instead hide in the Lord.

I hope this has been encouraging for you. If you are suffering and in need of prayer you can email me or be bold and share in the comments. If you have a friend suffering pass this along to encourage them. Tell them you love them and are praying for them. It’s part of what the Church is for. As always, thanks for reading.